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[17 Jul 2010|04:57pm]

I write like
Margaret Atwood

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

This makes me stupidly happy. :)
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on the subject of melting [27 Aug 2006|11:27am]
You don't melt the way you should when you look at me, or when I tell you I love you... or when I tell you anything at all. I always melt, no matter what. I look at you and consider myself to be lucky. You are handsome and healthy and so very beautiful. When you tell me you love me, I melt as well. I love listening to you when you say that you will try to do things better, when you will try to be better to me. Even if I do wonder whether or not you really mean it, I still melt. You make my head spin. You are the only thing I think about. You say you think about me, but when I ask you what you are thinking about, you say nothing. Am I nothing? Or are you just comfortable enough where you do not have to think of me anymore, because you know I am melted- and laced around your pinky finger? Do you think you no longer have to worry about me, love me, care for me, tend to me, make me feel special, loved, or wonderful because my mind is melted into mush about you? You're terribly wrong. Because, you see, there is still some functioning left in my melted mush of brain. I do worry. I worry that because you're "comfortable" that your mind, wants, eyes, feelings, wander. I worry that you're "comfortable", so much in fact, that you do not care to be around me anymore- that I no longer hold any mystery for you, that I am no longer a challenge, and that you no longer care for me because I bore you [to death].
I write this here, because you will not listen to it without scoffing any other way. You told me that you were going to stop reading my journals because, "The way you express your apparant displeasure" and my feelings at the time weren't quite the same. And you want to know why? Why? Why? Because you will not listen to me when I bring things to your attention. Your perfect face crumbles and you turn away whenever I tell you something has changed. You never have really accepted that it has. Maybe someday you will realize it. Hopefully sometime soon, before I unmelt.
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[22 Aug 2006|04:05pm]
Check my store out.


I'm selling burned CDs of any genre you think of for two bucks. I'll be adding DIY jewelry as soon as I get around to making some.

But if you can think of anyone who needs a CD because their burner/inter connection sucks, or anything like that... then please direct them to me.

I need money. I have no job even though I've been applying, following up and sending in my resume-butt off!!
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[21 Aug 2006|10:31am]
I had a dream last night... about an identity crises.

I was walking along a beach, and then some trees with Russell Means. We were on our way to a powwow. (Which is odd, because in Russell Means' autobiography he says that powwows are the reason that sacred dances and some traditions are no longer that way.) I told him how I felt alone, and how native people did not recognize me as being one of their own. I told him, because he has red skin people know he is who he is - indigenous. I told him about my grandpa, and how his skin was like Russell's, and his face and demeanor. I told Russell how my grandfather liked his liquor, and the only real memory I have of him is him spitting tobacco into an orange, thick plastic cup.
We walked some more. It was time for me to go to the powwow, so I had my regalia on. I had a hair net made of black pearls, for some reason, and it resembled a picture of a bride of the Northeast in a book I have. He said that with how regal I looked now, no one could doubt my heritage.

He left me.

For some reason I was off to church; and the church was right next to the grounds where the powwow was being held. I have had dreams of practicing dancing before, and it was time to show my stuff; but for some reason... everything was wrong. There was only one of the girls, and my nylons were too short. I didn't remember my routine, and I was basically lost, like a little lamb without her shepherd. My mom screamed at me, "I told you! No music or dancing! Why aren't you smart enough to understand!? I thought you were wiser than that."

I wanted to cry... but I woke up.
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[18 Aug 2006|06:32pm]
I feel so insignificant. A lot, lately. Everyone's so impressed that he got a job. I'm glad he did, too. Believe me. He said he wants me to work with him, but I doubt he would. I think he really wants time away fromme. I guess I can't blame him. I am very exhausting.

I went to see his sister too, but she's such an incompetent bitch that I doubt, even with her manager skills, that she can get me a job where she works.

But, in the meantime, I don't know what to do. I'm trying to find jobs, still, but nothing has come up. All I want is to get out of this house.
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[18 Aug 2006|05:16pm]
things I hate:
When I'm not with him.
When I'm alone.
When he'd rather be with other people.
When he talks to other people.
When he seems to have more fun with other people.
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[19 Jul 2006|06:19pm]
Do you ever feel completely ignored or alone, even with other people around?
Do you ever feel overlooked, even when you're in the most shining moment of your life?
Do you ever feel like you will never be as good as other people, even though you try to be the best person you can be?
Do you ever feel like you're going nowhere, but running at full speed- head on into forever?

Lately I've felt like this. I feel invisible, even when people are around, or acknowledge me. Even when I'm doing my best, I feel it will never be enough. Even when I'm trying my hardest to be a dutiful and good person, I'm never as good as other people... and lastly? I wish I knew where I was going, but I keep getting pushed and shoved into shit I don't necessarily think I want.
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[21 Apr 2006|08:23am]
[ mood | grateful ]

It's rumoured that Eva Braun defecated and urinated on Hitler for sexual arousal.

No offense, but I will never poop or piss on Seth. There's nothing sexy about smelling like shit.

In other news... It's been reported that I'll get into St. John Fisher without a doubt. That makes me concerned because the professor who told me that is just now starting to make the transition from SU to SJF. I don't know. I really just don't know.
If I don't get into SJF I'll probably go to CCC for a while and just raise my grades. I think I might do that anyway because of the simple fact that in the 4-6 years I attend SJF I could have enough damned money to afford a house.
Hopefully I'll be able to get a whole bunch of financial aid. I still need to send my FAFSA in- I need to finish it by today and get some stamps to send it in.
Do you know how much better your days become when the person you love more than anything in the whole world wakes up next to you? When you wake up in their arms, smothered in their kisses and affection? ...When you can be subject to their slathering words of adoration in your ears every single morning? It makes everyday that much more beautiful. It makes everyday that much more appreciated. I notice more things now- the vibrance of the sun and its rays, the whipping of the chilly wind through my hair when we go fishing at the beach, the cawing and cooing of the birds outside our window every morning...
I think that everyone deserves to wake up next to the person they love every morning. It is the best feeling in the whole world.

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by the way;; [04 Apr 2006|08:22am]
I loathe when he touches my "sideburns" as he calls them. Actually, I hate it so much that I love it. I like when we wrestle, too. :]

By the way. If any guys want to get a girl on their side, buy them a book of Pablo Neruda poetry. He made me melt when he gave that to me.

Note to self: I need to get the fee waiver code to send in the application to SJF. Thank god for rolling admissions.
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contentment [04 Apr 2006|08:06am]
[ mood | content ]

I'm so happy he's here. I don't think anyone can really have any idea how great the past few days have been just because he's been here.
He doesn't even have to say anything. All he has to do is sit down on the couch with me and be around me. He doesn't have to touch me or kiss me. He doesn't have to crack jokes. All he has to do is be in my general area. He has to be palpable. And now that he is? I'm probably the happiest I've ever been. :]

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crash;; [28 Mar 2006|08:25am]
So.. I have to say that my being mystified and intrigued by people always seems to get the best of me. I always have to eb an adventurer. I always have to go and explore when sometimes.. I need to realize that sometimes things are better left alone.
R&J are quite the pair, but I realized whenever I'm around them they ... well, she stops being so affectionate. Actually, she does. I think she's realized it's not good to egg him on.

Well, at least I can hope. I don't like seeing people torture themselves or other people needlessly.

In other news? It's three days. And "Crash (Into Me)" by Dave Matthews Band happens to be one of the most beautiful songs I've ever listened to. When it came out I wasn't even 10 yet. But it's been on the radio a lot recently and I have to say. Gorgeous.

"Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I’m bare boned and crazy for you.
If I’ve gone overboard
Then I’m begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When I’m holding you so girl
Close to me
You wear nothing, but you wear it so well."
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people watching [21 Mar 2006|11:37am]
I enjoy watching people.
There is this pair of people, J and R. They are not dating but when you watch them... there are all the classic signs of attraction. There are those brief, subtle, fleeting touches and the way they sit with one another. They lean against each other and bump into the other. I'm really mystified by their relationship. [Though it's probably just another case of teenagers not being able to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend for a while so they act their affections out on other people..] She has known and been with her boyfriend, or so she says, for quite a while.. but the way she quickly touches R's leg, his hands, his torso.. She wants him. She restrains herself when people are obviously looking, but when they are alone - they both brush against each other.
There are also those subtle glances that allure people. He watches her when she isn't looking; his eyes full of adoration and love.. only for her. They even come and go together. He is the perfect gentleman - soft, caring, patient. He waits for her even though she will never give up the familiarity of her current relationship. But for him?
No tiene ostra estrella.
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[fruition] [30 Jan 2006|11:50am]
Today is the day. Hopefully.
Dad hasn't called yet. I'm getting anxious. I know I shouldn't pack yet because that will lead the people I'm living with to suspicion. Or however that word is spelled.
I want so badly to see the fam, and all my friends. I don't think anyone has any idea how happy I am to be going back home.
I'll be closer to a certain someone as well. Not by much; only 100 miles, but he can come and visit and stay and... Ah.
I'm looking forward to the drive home, too. Hopefully there's a radio in the car so we can tune into different stations and sing along with the music.
I need to get my check cashed. I'll have about 200 bucks then on my person. That'll be good.
I also need to take a piss. I'm going to do that now.
And I got a text message about Steven. I have to say that was the funniest shit ever. The girl he's seeing now or whatever says he compares her to me all the time and that I'm the love of his life.
But we all know that's bullshit, and besides... I'm happy right now with who I'm with, with what I'm doing, where I'm going.
Maan. Life is GRAND.
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[</3] [29 Jan 2006|07:24pm]
I think Lane is genuinely sad.
He isn't showing it, but he almost cried earlier.
He told me to call him later. Knowing me I probably will.
Hopefully I can say goodbye before I leave.
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[the cat likes to perch] [29 Jan 2006|07:16pm]
The cat of the people who I'm currently living with (and for only about a day more) enjoys perching upon the desk above me. We have a sort of love/hate relationship, one in which he defends me to the fullest extent of his feline abilities and likes to cuddle... the other where he gets angry at outside environment and likes to take it out on me. He needs some discipline, I swear.
Now, I adore this cat, but I much prefer my grandmother's cat, Jojo. Maybe when I get to New York I can have my father buy me a kitten. A silver one. Or a white one. Or a black one. I don't care for tabbies, I don't much like orange ones, and I don't like black and white ones. A calico would be nice too, but it would remind me too much of Crescent, and I would probably wail.
In other news, yes. I am moving back to New York for the better part of the year. I'm supposed to be absconding to New York late tomorrow evening with some relative; either my aunt or my father. I will be residing with my grandmother, getting school done, getting a car, getting a bike, a job... Everything. I hope it is as wonderful as it's been made out to be. I always try to not expect too much, but it is my family... And for the first time in a long while I can say I love all of them. (with the exception of my mother)
I will leave really only two people behind in North Carolina that I think I might die without... those two being Mitchell Lane Pugh and my sister. I am grateful for the people who took me in. I am grateful for my numerous acquaintances over the years, but they, you, whoever, are nothing like what I have in New York. I have friends who I've missed for the longest time, things I've missed for an even greater amount, and my family, who is going to try to be there for me.
The one good thing to this at least is that a certain someone is about 100 miles closer, and will be able to stay as long as he likes on visits. :] I'm ecstatic.
I can't say that I'm not excited to go. I'm very much ready and willing to leave this place. Most of the things I own are replaceable. We're planning on telling the people I'm staying with that there's been a family emergency and that I have to go up to New York temporarily... But then, I probably will not come back.
I should be able to keep whoever is driving awake with my babbling. I manage to do that enough to other people, so with this trip I'm sure it'll be nothing. I hope there is a radio. I love singing, and I'm horrible at it... which is probably a good thing in this situation.
I'm glad that someone, somewhere has finally accepted me and wants to take care of me. I'm glad people are happy to see me for once. I've missed that. I've missed coming home to a warm environment, where people get along. All I've ever wanted is that... and now that it's so close, it's palpable.
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my sister's friends think they're all deities [26 Jan 2006|12:55pm]
I visited my sister at school today. And while the day isn't done I feel a lot better knowing she's alright.

She is SO beautiful. So amazingly beautiful. She's been straightening her hair like I told her, and just looks absolutely amazing. She is so reminiscent of a Cherokee woman... I don't know. The resemblance is remarkable.

I adore her. She grabbed a hold of me when I peeked into her classroom at about 0840 this morning. She wouldn't let go of me and was sobbing. She was so happy to see me.. and I was happy to see her as well.

I don't know. I don't know what to think. It's so wonderful to be loved so much by someone. It's the best feeling in the whole world. It's so great that I have someone who is incredibly close to me and doesn't care what I do or don't do because to her, I'm perfect already. There's no need to impress her, no need to have to sugarcoat things. Just me and her and our simple sister bond.

She doesn't think that me moving will be that rough... but I know her better. She'll have to come see me during the summer before school. I'll be in NY for a few weeks out of the summer. Maybe she can visit after that. Maybe she'd stay!

It was funny. I told her I'd bring him next time and she gave me one of her sideglances.. She peers so incredibly close to a person's soul with her squinty little brown eyes. (Everyone thinks she looks a lot more Asian than anything else. I used to tell her she was adopted. But her high cheekbones are nothing short of a Tsalagi.)

What was really cute was one of her friends asked me who I was referring to. My sister goes, "Her boyfriend. This guy she talks about all the time... At least.. He's a boyfriend until she gets a ring."

Then I gave her a sideglance.

I'll probably venture out around 1530 to see her at the vocational building they have here at Northwest. I truly loathe this school, but it's good to see my sister halfway vibrant amongst the rubble and ruckus. She's a beautiful girl and I know she'll grow up and be something spectacular.
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a wish [19 Jan 2006|12:09pm]
"I didn’t feel a thing
It didn’t mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify:
I didn’t feel a thing."

I would like if a certain someone could honestly tell me that.
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[19 Jan 2006|11:38am]
I don't mind feeling breathless, darling.
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[19 Jan 2006|11:36am]
Yeah. I'm Brianne. And I'm sick of appeasing everyone and not myself. I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not just so I can spare people who I care about pain, or whatever they think it is they're feeling. If you don't like me for who I am, then I'm sorry. I'm not going to back down anymore, and I can promise you that. If you can't deal with it, then don't. I don't mind letting people who aren't worth my time and that can't accept me go away, and for me to never talk to them again.
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[17 Jan 2006|07:53pm]
there are flowers in her hand but she doesn't know why
offered is advice to you but all you do is fake it

mother, she's only yours tonight and she never cries mother,
I know there is hurt inside Julia

drowning in her own visions,
she's begging the past to stay behind
there's a black cat in the night,
there's a black cat in that sky
offered is advice to you, you left but I don't blame you

we're digging up the past to bury it one last time
I know there's pain inside that truth
but you just have to face it
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